


In The Memories I'm Going Through, You Seeped In

by OneLostBugimon



Category: NCT (Band), NU'EST
Genre: Canon Compliant, How Do I Tag, Mentioned SEVENTEEN Ensemble, One-Sided Attraction, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:48:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22032049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneLostBugimon/pseuds/OneLostBugimon
Summary: Minhyun has unrivalled faith when it comes to Jonghyun. Until Lee Taeyong comes along.
Relationships: Hwang Minhyun/Kim Jonghyun | JR, Kim Jonghyun | JR/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 48
Kudos: 90





	1. Hwang Minhyun

Minhyun always thought that Jonghyun will always tell him the truth. From the very beginning of their hopeful first meeting, to the harsh truth of their journeys. Jonghyun never concealed anything from him or from their other members. That's one thing Minhyun knows for sure.

So when the time comes when Jonghyun stuttered in answering his question, Minhyun was a little bit taken aback. He's confused of why Jonghyun sees the need to not answering his question directly. 

"I was with… a friend." He said softly, avoiding Minhyun's eyes. 

Minhyun wonders why but he didn't push further. 

Weeks later he found out that it was Taeyong who was with Jonghyun. As in Taeyong the leader of NCT. A boy group of THE big three. Taeyong from class 2-2. Minhyun would like to say that he knows that boy trully well but in all reality, he's not. All he knows about him is what's left from the hearsays travelled all over their school. 

"Yes, we've met during Dispatch's Leader Squad pictorial." Seungcheol confided during one of their phone calls. Minhyun vaguely remembered Jisung told him about this photoshoot but didn't think much of it. "Nothing really happened and i think he's pretty much kept to himself during the session that i thought he's still the same stuck up person he was."

Minhyun groaned "Jonghyun liked bringing outsider into his circle."

"Yeah, I didn't know that they'll meet again through another Dispatch's session and clicked that fast." 

"They even got vlive sessions together, Seungcheol-ah. I am worry."

"Look, you guys get busy, and from what i know, he also got a lot of schedule overseas. This thing will died down. I promise." 

Minhyun bites his lips and mumbled i hope so quietly. 

Seungcheol sighs "Listen, I know you got anxious when it comes to Jonghyun, but trust me, Jonghyun knows what he's doing and perhaps Taeyong trully has changed."

Seconds passed long between them without anyone said a word before Minhyun finally let a breath out "My head is pounding. I'm going to see any meds and sleep it off. You better go to sleep as well. You need that rest."

Seungcheol hummed softly before both of them saying good night.

~~

Jonghyun second lie came not soon after his first one. Minhyun couldn't believe his eyes when Jonghyun came suffling through his and Minki''s apartment door sometimes after eleven. 

"I thought you said that you prefer to stay at home and have food delivery when i asked you out for dinner." Minhyun tried to keep his face neutral but the tone of his voice got really tense. 

Jonghyun blinked at him, choosing his words carefully. "I didn't plan going out but a friend asked me to come with."

"So, you chose him over me." The accusation feels thick on his tongue.

"We saw each other all the times, Minhyun-ah. I just haven't see him for a while."

Minhyun bite his words. He wanted to pick up a fight but the willingness to pore out Jonghyun's argument seeped out when he sees Jonghyun sneezed. 

"Guys, I just ordered Pizza!" Minki bounced into the living room happily only to halt halfway when he see them two standing two meters apart. His eyes went wide "Ya.. what happened?"

Minhyun shook his head tiredly and in two long strides, fetched his coat "Minki, I'm sorry. I'll have a raincheck on that pizza. My head hurts so much right now I'm going home."

"Do you need me to drive you home?" Asked Jonghyun softly holding out his hand on a small patch of Minhyun's coat. A peace offering. Minhyun desperately wants to hold on that hand and never let him go.

"No, i'll just take a cab." He pushed that hand away.. 

Home is not where he found himself half an hour later. Instead he came knocking on Dongho's door. He avoided Dongho's questioning and went straight to his fridge. He found what he's looking for but Dongho immediately snatched the bottle out of his hand "This is Bumzu hyung's.".

"I'll buy him tons."

"No, you wouldn't. You can't even drink this shit."

"Dongho-yah!"

Dongho put back the bottle and closed the door before returned to him, eyes red probably from huffing too long time in front of his computer working on their music program. "I'll make you hot chocolate. You'll find it more agreeable on your palates and you'll thank me later in the morning."

Minhyun sighed and threw his bag on the couch. "Let me have a shower? I feel filthy."

"You know where the towels are." 

The hot water stream feels nice on his skin. Minhyun stand inside it for a long time before he decided that the wrinkles in his fingers need to be spared. He put his spare shirt and pants that he purposefully left on Dongho's apartment. He also has a good amount of clothes on Jonghyun and Minki's, and on Aron's house as well. Hell, he even got one or two pairs on Seongwoo's. He slept over often on their places depends on where he spent the night the latest. 

He determined to push his thoughts on Jonghyun but Dongho beat him into it. "So.. Minki called."

Minhyun cursed inside. 

Dongho slides a cup of hot chocolate across the table "You wanna talk about it?" 

He gingerly curled his wrinkly fingers around the cup. He enjoyed the warmth that seeped slowly in between his fingers but still hesitated to elaborate his thoughts. It just too scattered for him to put into sentences but knowing how Dongho is, he won't budge until he's satisfied. 

"Jonghyun has been hiding things from me." He said slowly after taking his first sip. The hot liquid burned his throat almost painfully when he wrenched the words out.

Dongho eyed him carefully. "And it was about…?"

Minhyun winced. "Taeyong. Lee Taeyong." 

"..of NCT?"

"Yes."

"Ok." Dongho brought his own cup to his mouth and sipped carefully. "And you angry at him because..?"

Minhyun felt incredulous. "He didn't tell me that he's been hanging out with him. He's been lying to me twice. Lied directly to my face. That boy.. he.." Minhyun bites back his words. 

Dongho kept silent, fingers still around his cup playing with its rim. Eyes patiently waiting for Minhyun. 

Minhyun can feel his head started to pound again. He can feel it from the back of his eyes. He tried to blink the ache away before picking up where he was left "He's.. he's not a good person."

Dongho didn't say anything and Minhyun felt like he's spilled out too much. He took a last sip of the chocolate and put the cup away on the sink. "I'll wash this later in the morning." He mumbled before walking out of the kitchen and enter the spare bedroom Dongho has for their too often sleepover sessions. 

He put his head into his hands and screamed internally. He really need this terrible headache to go away. 

~~


	2. Lee Taeyong

During their first meeting, Taeyong tried his best to ignore the unsettling sensation on his stomach upon knowing that Seungcheol from class 2-1 also present on the location of the photoshoot. He knew him from their highschool days as that popular student who already bagged an offer from some entertainment company and soon going to debut. He wasn't sure if Seungcheol remembered him back from the days but considering words travel fast, he didn't expect much. 

And sure he shouldn't expect much. Their technical meeting went flat despite Jisung's effort to lightened the atmosphere. Soon after their eyes met, Taeyong can sense Seungcheol's judging stare at him. Heavy and suffocating. It felt like those dark days come engulfed him all over again. He kept his head down and spoke only when he asked too. Hovered too much at the side of the set and kept himself busy studying his own nails. Until a soft voice calling his name. "Taeyong-ssi, why don't you come and join us at the table?" 

Taeyong lifted up his eyes and saw a genuine smile directed to him. He knew this person. He knew his story. Well, who in the entire Korea who doesn't know him? The Kim Jonghyun has graced his presence and spoke directly to him. Him being the unworthy Lee Taeyong. He hopefully looking at those kind eyes "Yes, I will. Thank you, JR sunbaenim."

That JR sunbaenim blushed at the said greeting and waved his hands awkwardly "Ah.. no no don't call me that. We are of same age, aren't we? Just call me Jonghyun and we'll be fine." 

Being in the same table with Seungcheol put heavy pressure on Taeyong's shoulder. He avoided seeing directly to his general presence and focus only on Jonghyun. It's kind of easy to put his entire focus on Jonghyun because despite his small built and soft spoken words, Jonghyun really has the ability of drawing all the attention to him. Maybe this is what people called as his charisma. Even among leaders, Taeyong himself included, Jonghyun took lead almost too easily. 

"You didn't know how much the kids put me into headache. I feel like i strained my voice too much trying to gather them in one line." Complained Jisung. 

"Aahh.. they are kind of handful, aren't they?" Jonghyun smile fondly. "I'm sure Minhyun would help?" 

"They do listen to him but the thing is, he has his own hectic schedule along with Daniel and Seongwoo. I don't have a heart to put more burden on him to help me deals with rowdy kids."

"You should try talk to him to share the burden." Seungcheol chirped in. "I have twelve under my care and at times they can be overwhelming but I am lucky to have Jihoon and Soonyoung along my side. I know Minhyun, he's dependable and would love to help." 

Jonghyun nods thoughtfully and shifted his eyes to Taeyong "And how about you Taeyong? I heard that you also attend to many kids. How many do you actually have? Did you receive help?"

Taeyong didn't expect to be included in their small talk, he's ready to dodge out the question but somehow Jonghyun's eyes alluring him in. "I… I don't know..?" He stuttered. 

"You don't know?" Jisung repeated 

"I mean, i don't know how many kids will they put under the name of NCT, but right now, i can count them as up to seventeen.."

Jisung gasped "Seventeen?! Including you that would be EIGHTEEN? It almost doubled my team! How could you manage to round em up?"

Taeyong laughed weakly. "I really don't know. One minute i was peacefully training, the next second i already have bunch of kids that needs to be taken care of. And what concerned me more is that two third of them are foreigners that barely speak Korean."

"That remind me of the days when Aron hyung just came from LA." Jonghyun's eyes were shining. "He can't speak shit of korean and we don't speak English either. So we only growled and pointed at things a lot." His laughter that followed after sounded melodius to Taeyong's ears. He didn't dare looking straight to Jonghyun's eyes so he kind of settled with focusing on Jonghyun's white shirt. Huh, his stylist missed a button. And now, from his plain point of view, Jonghyun's abs clearly displayed. Taeyong stare a little too hard at the exposed skin before finally felt an unforgiving stare on his peripheral. He saw Seungcheol following his eyes and throw a disgusting look at him. 

"Jonghyun-ah, come here a little bit." Seungcheol waved Jonghyun closer. Jonghyun looks confused but nevertheless scooting closer to Seungcheol. As soon as he came within reach, Seungcheol immediately buttoned his shirt and tucked it neatly into his pants. Taeyong felt his face burning.


	3. Kim Jonghyun

“Hey, you free? Just got back in Seoul. Wanna catch up?”

Jonghyun contemplated for a while after reading the text. He’s not really in the mood to go out and was thinking about to spend the night finishing this game level at home while munching whatever food ordered by Minki. He went to the window and take a peek of the weather outside. It was quite bright and he’s certain no rain will be pouring tonight. But just to make sure, he checked the weather forecast.

“Yeah, sure. Pick me up?”  
“I’m already outside.”

Jonghyun frowned before grabbing his nearest coat and slipped on his shoes. “No shit.”

He switched to contacts and picked one. He waited until the ringing stopped and Minki’s voice coming through. “Minki-yah, I’m going outside. Don’t wait for me.”

Minki doesn’t even bother asking him where to and just tell him to get some soda on his way home later when he come back later. Jonghyun assured him that he will. 

The car was unassuming, black and dark windows. Jonghyun straightened up his mask and cap before getting into it. Taeyong greeted him with a wide smile. His eyebags looked more prominent, voice a little hoarse and eyes blaringly red. He must be tired. 

“Why aren’t you resting?” Jonghyun asked, brows knitted with concern.

Taeyong started rounding the apartment’s block before humming “I’m not that tired. I miss korean food.” 

Jonghyun didn’t ask anything for more. The car went through Seoul roads in silent. None of them in mood to turn up the music. Jonghyun could feel the anxiety surrounding his friend but he’s not sure what to make up with. 

When Taeyong finally pulled up to a secluded tavern somewhere on the ridge, he checked the surrounding for a while just to make sure that the place wasn’t too crowded before they decided to get off of the car and enter it. Masks and caps still intact. They chose the furthest seat for two from the door and near a tinted window. The place was quite small but still spacious enough to give them the privacy they needed. 

They ordered some kimchi and seafood soft tofu stew before finally fell to another comfortable silence between them. Jonghyun crouched on his seat while listening to Taeyong’s soft voice over the phone talking with someone, probably Johnny, from the sound of some English words slipped between their conversation. At one time, his wandering fingers find Jonghyun’s and somehow they started a mute game of chasing each other fingers back and forth while Taeyong is still on phone. Jonghyun chuckled a bit when he finally cornered Taeyong’s ring fingers. Taeyong punched him softly before ending his conversation and picked up his glass of water. “You really hate losing, huh.”

Jonghyun laughed at that “And aren't you just love losing to me.” he teased. Foot already kicking Taeyong’s from under the table. 

Somewhere between another bowl of rice and two portions of seafood pajeon later, Taeyong mumbled “So.. about the news..”

Jonghyun slowed down his chewing and waited. 

Taeyong sighed and put down his chopstick. “I want to hear your take on it.”

He followed Taeyong and putting down his chopstick as well. “I don’t see why my opinion matter?”

“I just… I don’t want you to see me as a bad person.”

“And I don’t, though? See you as a bad person, i mean.”

“Jonghyun-ah. I’ve done terrible deeds in my past. People are having a fest cursing at me on almost every platform they can put their fingers on.”

Jonghyun frowned “You read those? Please, don’t tell me you stayed up at nights reading those ugly comments. You know better than that.”

Taeyong stared at him like he grew another head. “You missed my point.”

“No, I didn’t. I understood you perfectly the first time. You worried that i will see you in a bad light now that the news broke. And i already told you that i don’t. You acknowledging that what you’ve done in the past are terrible deeds means that you are already progressing to be a better person. You can’t change your past but you can still save your future. Taeyong-ah.” He reached his hands and hold on tight trying to convey his feeling sincerely. 

Taeyong looked down at their intertwined hands and blinked twice before looking away. Jonghyun could feel the trembling of his shoulders reverberating to his bones and he saw tears floating Taeyong's eyes threatened to fall down that he’s so hardly tried to hide. Jonghyun heart hurts seeing him like this. 

“Taeyong-ah..” He whispered softly. “It must have been hard on you all this time. Thank you for holding out for so long. You're so brave. You’ve done well.” 

And at that second, Taeyong’s walls-built up so high all the time- broke down and he sobbed quietly into Jonghyun’s arms.


	4. Do you think about me too?

Jonghyun downloaded the picture and groaned. He threw the phone to his bed and screamed into his pillow. It kept buzzing so he picked it up again and typed furiously. "I hate you."

Taeyong sent him a rolling on the floor laughing sticker. "You had it coming. You should never lose the bet to begin with."

"Oh God this is crazy. Why did I even agree to this. People will see me nuts, Taeyong-ah. Find something else."

"Nope. This is it. I'll send you the link. Don't forget to take proof shots!"

"I hate you."

"No, you don't. You'll love me for dressing you up for once."

And that's how weeks later Jonghyun find himself wrapped in a half grey and half dark coat that Taeyong picked at the airport. Face red from having to survive Dongho's laughter upon seeing him standing awkwardly at the side of the street while waiting for the other cars to pulled in. "Nice coat!" He wiggled his eyebrows. 

Jonghyun pushed him weakly "Shut up!"

The airport was buzzed with myriad of cameras and long lenses on the other side of the road. People were screaming and reporters were already talking onto their devices relaying the news. Jonghyun only hoped that at least the news won't be about him losing his sanity. Because that was about to happen if he doesn't get boarded as soon as possible and escape the hundreds pair of eyes following his movement. He nervously fidgeted with his backpack. Damn Taeyong and his stupid fashion senses.

But even all of those attention can beat the anxiety he got the minute Minhyun come off his own van and land his eyes on him. He stopped for a second at the sight of Jonghyun before continued his steps and lined with them posing for the cameras. 

"Hye-in Noona?" He side eyed Jonghyun. It's not the first time the stylist noona dressed one of them differently just to have a highlight of the day in their press pictures.

Dongho cut him laughing "Minki said he bought this himself because he lost a bet with his friend."

"Yah Kang Dongho. Stop laughing. It's not that bad." grumbled Jonghyun. Face kept neutral and continue waving.

Minhyun's lips thinned upon hearing that said friend word again. He can pretty much guess which friend that is. And he felt the bitter in his tongue that he didn't like it even for a bit. 

They cross the road and enter the airport building followed by clicks and shouts but Minhyun's head already ran for miles to places that he don't even know how to reached out. He walked fast leaving everyone behind not noticing how Jonghyun almost running to keep the distance short so their group wont scattered much and stretched the body guard's lines too long. He kept his head low even when Dongho reached out to Jonghyun's misplaced colar and fixed them. Usually it was Minhyun who'll noticed these kind of things but Minhyun felt like he doesn't want to care for more. 

He walked and walked barely noticing anything just want to reach the gate as soon as possible when he heard the scream and saw someone from the crowd in front of him fell down running. In reflex he rushed forward to help and in seconds a flash of half half coat was already beside him. Both of them standing awkwardly side by side when the girl who fell lifted by a bodyguard and put back to safety, seemingly not harmed. Minhyun could feel the warm of Jonghyun fingers brushed so close to his. Minhyun jammed his own hand to his pocket before it betrayed him and took those fingers in his own. They looked cold and Minhyun wanted nothing else but to keep them warm. 

But no. Not today. 

The flight was too long, the space was too cramped, and Minhyun felt anxious being in a close proximity with Jonghyun. Jonghyun who still wearing the damn coat. How he wants to rip Jonghyun out of it and burn it to nothing. His hands already trembling.

"Are you alright? You look uncomfortable." Jonghyun asked him the minute they enter their hotel room, hands reaching out to his. His usual gesture in showing concern. But Minhyun was too deep in his own thoughts that his reflects kicked in retracted his hand out in a harsh move. 

He blinked. Willing himself to get back to the present.

Jonghyun looked at him sadly. 

"Are you angry at me?"

Minhyun tried to still his trembling hands by gripping hard his luggage "No, i'm not." He escaped by dragging his luggage to the other side of the bed. He threw it open and started rummaging through his clothes trying desperately to at least do something. 

But Jonghyun is as persistent as he ever was. He followed him and standing in between his luggage and him and tiredly plead. "Talk to me, Minhyun. Get angry. Just.. don't avoid me anymore." 

For a split second, Minhyun wanted to scream at him and let loose all the thoughts that has been running wild in his mind. He wanted Jonghyun to know that he hate how Jonghyun ever dare to lie to him. He wanted… 

"I'm scared, Jju." He whispered. Eyes rimmed red and looked at their distance helplessly. "I'm so.. so scared that you'll get hurt." 

Jonghyun tilted his head, confused. "Why would you think that way? Why would i get hurt?" 

A heartbeat. Make it two. Minhyun slowly moved closer. Arms carefully attached to Jonghyun's small waists, tried to ground him close. 

"If i asked you to stay away from Taeyong, will you do that for me?" 

Jonghyun's eyes search for answers in his. Answers that Minhyun not ready to give. Yet. 

"But Minhyun, he's a good friend of mine..." 

Minhyun groaned "Then i'm sorry…" he quickly closed the distance between them and latched himself to Jonghyun's neck and sucked hard. 

Jonghyun gasped and shoved him. Back collided painfully with the wall. The hurt it caused not as much as the one gripping his heart he felt like it about to burst. Wiping his lips, Minhyun observed Jonghyun clutching his neck. A blooming red spotted. 

Minhyun shoved all his scattered clothes back into his luggage and dragged it away. 

"I'll room with Dongho."


	5. I want to give you all the happiness of the world

Minhyun doesn't even know when it was all started. The way his world began to revolve around Jonghyun and surrendered in his delicate hands. Maybe it's in the way Jonghyun tilted his head to the back when he laughed, or the way he quietly handed him his portion of ramen at the end of practice days, saying he was full when Minhyun knew that he only ate exactly a protein bar that day, or probably the way he kept his silence whenever their trainer scolded him because he could never managed to grasp any single note in their vocal classes, or the way he watched him helplessly pouring all his energy in dancing "Because, Minhyun-ah, I'm barely good at anything, I want to be at least good in dancing so I can debut with you." He confided quietly.

And probably it was also the way Jonghyun plastered to the wall whenever their noona sunbaenims came over cooing at his cuteness, the way he gripped at Minhyun sweater a little too strong when girls passed by, eyes refused to leave the floor. Minhyun had his first doubt by then. And it came stronger when Dongho brought a USB filled with porn to the dorm for them to binge watching at the weekend. Five of them sprawled on Dongho's room, eyes trained on Aron's laptop. Not even halfway through Jonghyun stood up mumbling something about being sleepy and went back to his room. Dongho chuckled saying that he probably went to jerk off on his room. Minhyun didn't contradict him but he stood up nevertheless and trailed to Jonghyun's room. Heart lumped on his throat, half worried whether Dongho's right, and the other half worried whether his guts were right because if it was, he wouldn't know what to do. Carefully, he knocked on Jonghyun's door. Relieved when Jonghyun allowed him to come in. He walked in and found Jonghyun sat on his bed, back to the wall, fumbling with his pillow. 

"I thought you were sleepy." He threw his body on Jonghyun's bed. Jonghyun didn't even complain. He just scooted over to give Minhyun more space. 

"I just don't find it… appealing." He offered a weak smile.

Minhyun looked at his lap, he wanted to prod over but he didn't know if he was about to pass an unseen boundaries between them and if Jonghyun will be okay with that. So he tried the beating around the bushes way, "Do you… do you need to talk? I mean, i'm here if you need me."

Jonghyun kept quiet for a long time. Hands still playing with the poor pillow. The clock ticked by but Minhyun pride himself in having the most amount of patience between the five of them so he let Jonghyun be until he's ready. 

"You.. you'll think that I'm weird, Minhyun-ah. Maybe.. you'll see me as repulsive." Eyes flickering anywhere aside from Minhyun. Minhyun didn't know if his heart could be squeezed that tight.

"What are you saying. How can you think that low of me, Jonghyun-ah?"

Eyes glassy, Jonghyun's whisper barely heard "Minhyun.., I don't… i don't think I'm into girls.." 

A single tear crawled down his cheek. The tear that Minhyun rushed to wipe with his shaking hands. Memories of a student being bullied at his school for being different flashed across his eyes. How the boy was kicked around, spat and treated like garbage by his own friends. In an environment where he supposed to feel safe. How would Jonghyun survive in the bigger world when all eyes will be focused on them, on him? They were barely eighteen and the world already seemed crumbling against their bony feets. Had nothing to hold themselves onto beside each other, they cried, and cried and cried until they tired and fell asleep. Legs tangled and hands holding each other tight. 

Minhyun's heart broke for him that night. 

And it broke the second time during their Japan fanmeet when Jonghyun presented his bare heart in public, in pieces and twisted, for not being able to lead them to success when in all honesty Minhyun thought that it was their company to blame instead. Minhyun wanted to scream at him that they were all deep in this shit together so why would Jonghyun put all the weight on his shoulder and his shoulder alone. But when it comes to Jonghyun, words never really was Minhyun's forte. His tears came running down in record speed he could barely breathe. He was supposed to sing but he was so.. so suffocated he kept his head between his hands and knees trying to collect himself to be at least presentable at that stage. That very day Minhyun declared to himself that he will definitely lifted out that burden out of Jonghyun and bring him happiness only. 

The third heartbreak came along with the announcement of "KIM JAEHWAN!". His anxiety rushed back in and he couldn't even lifted his head to meet Jonghyun's eyes. On his right side, Jisung reached out to him and held him tight asking whether he's alright. He couldn't even answered. He should have seen it coming. He kept wondering why Jonghyun gave away his part to other trainees and kept his camera time minimum. He should have seen it that Jonghyun probably had long gave up the fight. Probably had decided that his place was not supposed to be with him in this debut team after all. Probably had decided to let him go, all by himself. 

If facing Minki and Dongho was hard, having Jonghyun in his arms afterward was blatantly devastating. Minhyun didn't have the strength in him to hold tight when Jonghyun slipped away as soon as Minhyun tried to wrap his arm on him. It was like trying to grasp a handful of sand. The more he put strength to kept them in his hand, the faster it escaped through his fingers. 

Their old songs began trending that night. Almost looked like the universe was really playing a dirty joke on him for not being with them after all these times. They have vowed to fight and conquer the world together but in this new world him facing, he didn't have anyone of them to lean on. 

"I'll work hard to pay all the debt off. And I'll work hard to make people known that we exist. That Nu'est exists. Please just wait a lil bit. Please don't let Pledis disband us." He pleaded.

Aron sighed "Minhyun-ah, you don't have to. The debt is ours and not your responsibility only." 

"It's true, our contract length still have about 5 months left. We probably can ask our company to be given one last comeback. If the response comes out good, we can settle everything. If not at least it can lessened the number." Minki contributed to their table. Hair tousled, shirt crumpled from being twisted and twisted again for hours. 

"My.. my first down payment will be released in ten days. I'll have sajangnim know so he can took it as our first installment. I'll have to ask him for a spare tho so you guys can use it to pay for the studio's rent. I'm sure Bumzu hyung have one or two songs that match with us.. i mean, you guys.. to record and collect his payment after it released. But we still need to cover the production costs. I'll check when my second payment will come so…"

"Minhyun, stop." Jonghyun put a hand on top on his. The cold wave that came through was startling but made his nerves crazy at once. "Really. You don't have to try single handedly solved this by your own. There are four of us here. I'm sure we can manage by ourselves."

His eyes felt hot and Minhyun tried his best not to let his tears fell again. "Jonghyun-ah…, please don't.. don't count me out on this." He breathed. "This is our fight. And I WANT in. I have the money at my disposal.."

Jonghyun straightened his spine, and gave him the stare that sent chills to his bones. "The debt will be splitted in five ways as per our agreement before this." He looked at everyone at the table one by one slowly before continue in his commanding tone that he rarely used, "I don't care how much money you guys have now or you'll have later, but each of you will only contribute to a fifth of the amount. Not even a penny more."

No one said anything after that.


	6. Kim Doyoung

To say that their leader is stressed might a bit of of understatement. Doyoung knew that much. He looked like he walked on an egg shell. Slowly, carefully, and fearful that the ground will break and engulfed him alive. Originally, he doesn't talk much, but lately he doesn't even talk at all. He often skipped meals. So much so that his bone poking everywhere. After every schedule, he went straight to the bathroom to shower and went to bed after. But Doyoung noticed that as the time went on, Taeyong's dark circle under his eyes, grow bigger and bigger. Not even makeup can cover that much. 

So he waited. He waited until the promotion time for Super M wrapped up. He waited until Taeyong came back to their dorm and put away his laundry. He missed the chance to talk because Taeyong right away went back outside only bring wallet and his car key without telling anyone where he's going. But patience is always Doyoung's virtue. He knew he'll got his time tonight when Taeyong back home. He must do his laundry by tonight. He knew it for sure. So he continued waiting. 

The clock ticked near 10 p.m when he finally hear the door's password keyed in. Still early. Everyone still out and about but he chose to stay inside with one book to finished in hand. He pushed his glasses further his nose and traced Taeyong's silhoutte at the door putting away his shoes. 

"Hyung, you're home early."

Taeyong hummed and shuffled to his room without meeting his eyes. Doyoung waited until he's out again with a bunch of clothes in his hands, crossed the living room directly to the laundry room. Doyoung's heart twisted a bit when he noticed puffed eyes his leader is sporting when he passed the sofa where Doyoung is lounging with his book. He carefully marked the page he was reading, and followed Taeyong. 

"Do you need help?" He offered when he saw Taeyong just standing still in front of the washing machine. Eyes blank, bunch of clothes still in hands. Taeyong flinched a bit hearing his voice but soon he went on working mode by separating his clothes in colors. 

"Nah.. i'm good. Go back reading."

When he accidentally put his white shirt into a basket of color clothes, Doyoung decided that its his time to interfered. "Here, lemme." He gently taking away the basket from Taeyong's hand and separate them methodically. Taeyong just stood there looking at his hands like he didn't know what else to do. "Have you eat, hyung?" He poured a portion of liquid detergent to a basin of warm water and added some whitener into it before soaking in the whites. Taeyong likes his clothes to be hand washed. "I can make you ramyeon while we waited for these. You can shower first if you like."

Taeyong looked at him confused. Like he didn't hear Doyoung the first time. So Doyoung repeated his suggestion. 

"I…yeah., I think i'll do that." Taeyong put down his fabric softener bottle near the washing bowl, pushed away his hair from his eyes, red rimmed on clear display, and walked back to his room. Doyoung gripped the laundry basket tightly. This is going to be hard, Taeyong is hurting. Doyoung might or might not know what caused it but he can only help if only Taeyong would talk to him. After soaking in the colored clothes in another basin, he washed his hands and headed to the kitchen. 

The ramyeon started to get lukewarm when Taeyong dragged his feet to their dining table. He hesitantly picked up a pair of chopstick before mumbling thanks to Doyoung who put a glass of water on his side. 

"Actually, I've eat dinner." He shoved a small amount of ramyeon to his mouth. Chewing it slowly. 

Doyoung nods at that. "Still. Eat more."

Silence spread between them save from the sound of Taeyong's chopsticks clinking with the ramyeon bowl. Doyoung observed him, hair down, still damp from shower. Taeyong's scar under his right eyes become prominent without heavy makeup painted to it. His small tattoos peeking from under his oversized shirt. Doyoung still remembered when he asked his reason of getting those. Taeyong had simply said that he wants to be a person that rise from under the rock bottom to someone who stand up for his own. Doyoung didn't get it at first but lately, after lots of whispering late night calls, he thought he could pinpoint the inspiration, or even desperation, behind those said tattoos. 

"Did you meet with JR-sunbaenim?"

Taeyong halted his chopstick for a split second before continue shoving the whole ramyeon into his mouth. "Hmm.. yeah." 

Doyoung can hear the blood rushing in his ear. "Had he seen the news? Is that why you were crying? I swear to God, hyung, if he ever said any bad words towards you, no matter how high he think he is, I'll hunt him down."

"What?" Taeyong looked baffled "No. God, no Doyoung. He's not like that. He doesn't even think that way. I don't know if he's even capable of thinking any ill the way people do." He laughed at the possibility of Jonghyun cursing people around. Which is close to zero, to be honest. Cheeks flushed pink. 

"You're blushing." Doyoung examined closer made Taeyong automatically raised his hands covering his cheeks. "Why are you suddenly blushing? Don't tell me.." Purposedly tilted his head a little, Doyoung waited for answers that he probably knew to be dropped. 

Taeyong avoided his eyes and stared at his bowl of soggy ramyeon instead "Doyoung-ah.., I think I fell for him." He whispered. Voice barely heard over the table. "He's so kind and understanding and so much more than what meet the eyes. He makes me feel worthy. I don't know if a bastard like me deserve this kind of wonderful feeling." A single teardrop escaped from between his eyelashes. Taeyong looked up to the ceiling trying to blink back the rest of them, voice cracked when he contemplate further "And then there are our family and friends to think about, our groups' future, and people… people will think differently. Not that i have much to begin with. What am i expecting.. I don't even know if he swing that way." he laughed miserably.

Doyoung felt like a bucket of iced cold water poured into felt like ice cold water thrown into his inside, freezing his internal organs, numbing everything at once. What a cruel cruel world they live in. From what Doyoung understood, Nu'est barely survived the industry and just recently had their rebound. And NCT has deemed as a failure compared to other groups in their company. Having two members of each involved will definitely destroy whatever small foundation they have on their feet. 

"Have you talk to him, hyung? Like, talk talk? You said he doesn't have a single hate bone etched into his body so i'm guessing at the least he will let you know what his opinion kindly?" 

"Doyoung-ah.., i don't think i can live any rejection from him. I'm happy enough to be his friend. Asking for more would be like pushing it. You know how close he is with Seungcheol and Minhyun. Both of them knew me. They don't even hide their distate of me being around him because my reputation is that bad." 

Doyoung was so ready to spit fire. Or at least pick a battle that he was not sure he'll be winning. "What reputation? The one that you being an iljin during your adolescent days? Teenagers do stupid things. And although you were that stupid during those days, you are no longer who you were. You've changed. And if they couldn't move pass their highschool days and see what you've become now, it's their loss from being eternally stupid."  
Taeyong gave him a long thoughtful look while picking his nail. Doyoung can literally see his brain wheering around counting over every possible outcome. So he pushed further. "Look, hyung. Things between you two should stay between you and him. No other parties should have a say in it. Only both of you gets to decided. So, talk to him. Let him know. Whatever the outcome is, you deserve to have a closure." 

Taeyong sighed at this "I guess you're right. I'll see if i can talk to him tomorrow." 

A small smile creeped Doyoung's face for the first time that night. "Well, technically, tomorrow is already today, hyung." He said showing his phone screen. It's 00.27 a.m. "So we should wrapped up your laundry and tuck you to bed early because you'll have the big talk scheduled. Promise me you are going to do it today?"

Taeyong laughed at his sudden impatience but knew that he and Jonghyun have little to no free time further. Not with all the Gayos' schedule rearing in. "You little dipshit. What would I do without you." He reached out to ruffle Doyoung's hair fondly. "Yes, today. I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating far too long. Was sick for weeks and just recently back up and running again. 
> 
> Also, i'm writing this on my mobile during my limited free time. Will definitely going back and forth editing stuff that i haven't noticed before. Please, be kind ^^


	7. My world is dark so i colored it with my own light

The fan meeting was quite smooth sailing despite Minhyun keeping Jonghyun at an arm length. No talking unless necessarily needed. Not even regular obligated skinship even though usually Minhyun couldn't keep his own hands off of Jonghyun. Jonghyun kept his professional's facade upfront and tried his best to cover the redness in his neck, courtesy to Minhyun's tantrum last night. They are adults and will deal with whatever problem they had as mature as two adults would be. 

But the cold shoulder Minhyun given to him continue till the night after the fanmeeting. He refused going out to dinner, claimed himself too tired and asked their manager to open another room because he needs to sleep at his own bed and not sharing with Dongho. Aron tried to talk to him but got shut out immediately and the elder just decided that he really was just that tired. The messages Jonghyun sent got ignored at read. 

After dinner Jonghyun tried to knock on Minhyun's new room but there's no answer. Feeling dejected, he walked back to the elevator and punched in his floor. He sat on the edge of his bed for so long, evaluating things and what could he do the mend what is broken. If there's anything that broken at all. 

A new message popped in. 

Ong Seongwoo: "You free?" 

Three dots continued blinking after.

"If you are, i need to talk." 

Jonghyun stared at his phone, not really feeling of consulting anyone at the moment. Produce boys usually seek him for serious talk and heavy topics. Like choosing their next projects or resigning with their labels. Other than that, they resorted to Minhyun. Not that Minhyun gave unequally qualified advice as Jonghyun, but it's all about the level-headedness that Jonghyun gives that makes his opinion matters. Or its just them still seeing him as their leader-hyung. Jonghyun has long reverted to accept that title. 

"Just finished an fm. What is it? I'm a bit tired so i don't think i can last long in chat." 

Ong Seongwoo: "Have you seen the news? Our PD-nim confessed rigging the final votes." 

Now, that, awoken Jonghyun completely. He opened the link Seongwoo sent him and read carefully every bits of the article. Those were not news to him altho the facts that this now has came out in spotlight still put him shaking to his core. 

Jonghyun typed in "I'm going to talk to Mr. Han." 

After a minute, he decided to added "Thank you for letting me know." 

A long minutes passed while those three dots kept appearing and disappearing. Until a message popped in.

Ong Seongwoo: "Please be careful. I don't wanna see you get hurt." 

Jonghyun: "I won't. Thank you."

~~

Their ride home passed in blurry motion. The news kept popping in like every hours. And the influx of comments pouring in. One of their media relation staff kept them in tab of the situation. As soon as they get back into Seoul again, an emergency meeting was already scheduled in with a row of directors from legal to finance department were required to attend to. Jonghyun couldn't quite wrap his head onto this. He thought everything was under control and his part would never get dragged again into this mess. 

But as the story went, now everyone in Seoul, scratched that, in South Korean, was on his case. People raised petitions of how his downfall was rigged and that his removal from the final line up needed to be compensated and in all honesty, Jonghyun just want everybody to shut up and leave him alone. What's done is done and that the damage should not be everyone business but his alone to carry. 

The meeting was, more or less, a mess. Minhyun called out Han Sungsoo saying that he should have the right to know that Jonghyun gave away his seat for another member and received all the glory instead despite Jonghyun insisted that he was the one who accepted the decision made for him and all is good now.

Minhyun shouted at top of his lung, "YOU.SHOULD.BE.UP.THERE.WITH.ME!" 

And then everyone started to shout at each other. Jonghyun's head felt like going to explode in any minutes as the meeting got postponed until everyone was ready to bring solution to the table instead of bringing problems that has already arisen. 

As soon as they entered their van, Minhyun roasted Minki. “Did you know about this?”

Minki looked like he’s about to crumble down.

Jonghyun sighed, “Minhyun..” 

“No, I don’t want to hear anything from you.” Minhyun cut him off. “You kept things from me. and now I want to know if you did this to all of us. Because, I swear, Jonghyun-ah, if you only lie to me, I won’t forgive you. Ever.”

Well, now, that hurts. That hurts a lot. And Jonghyun thought that he’s now immune to things that hurts because he thought he’s been through everything. But the squeeze in his heart felt too real he could hardly breathe.

He tapped their manager’s shoulder and asked him to drop him nearby. He needed to cool down his pounding head and his heart seemed like failing to pump blood into his veins. As soon as the car came to a halt, Jonghyun opened the door and jumped out. Minki called him repeatedly to come back but Jonghyun already walked down the pavement and hailed a taxi. 

He told the driver to go to Gangneung and stared out of the window. Head heavy and heart beating slowly.


	8. Kim Mingyu

It felt like a lot is happening but nothing goes right at the same time. Mingyu believed that his group popularity has reach the highest he can imagine but the toll that it takes felt too heavy to carry. He can't even remember a period of active time when one of them not getting sick or injured. There's always someone getting hurt, someone freaked out at the airport from being touched inappropriately by numerous hands, or someone having that celebrity syndrom everyone talked about that made it difficult for the thirteen of them to work at the same wavelength together, or the finance dept not depositing their hard earned money on the day that they expected causing members refused to do their scheduled events until the payment gone through each of their bank accounts and many more. 

Things that fell on Seungcheol's shoulder and become his own baggage everywhere he goes. 

But as strong as Seungcheol think he is, he's only someone who is too young to have that number of responsibilities. Slowly, it broke him from the inside. The recent incident of sasaeng trespassed into their dorm had pushed him into being paranoid. Eyes wandered everywhere in crowded places, breaking into cold sweat when unfamiliar faces screaming his name, freeze when he saw their dorm's window being opened or things got misplaced yelling that someone broke in again and would harm his members. Mingyu really thought that even though Seungcheol might have been their pillar for so long, the poor boy really isn't that strong. 

Things got more serious during their Jakarta concert when Seungcheol broke into one of his episode right on the stage. Only ten minutes into the show, cold sweat already pouring out of his body, barely moved and eyes shut tightly. Mingyu grabbed his hand and rushed him to the backstage immediately. Jihoon then took charge and called everyone in authority for a quick meeting between the promotor, Pledis's rep and themselves. Then it was decided that they would pull Seungcheol from the show and sent him to the nearest hospital for further assessment. 

They wrapped up the show and got sent back to Seoul leaving their leader in confinement of an Indonesian hospital. They were all worried but Jeonghan's condition also got worse at the same time. It was hard to focus on something when everything was on a mess. 

Days later, their manager informed them that Seungcheol has been deemed fit to take a flight back and continue his treatment in Seoul. He got wheeled in to the hospital directly from the airport and everyone was cautioned not to visit him in groups of people because apparently he's still overwhelmed by loud noises, crowds, and irregular patterns of time. Pledis has timed their visit into pairs, put on a schedule of time to Seungcheol's daily activities in hope he'd developed back a sense of regularity, easing his way back to the group. Soonyoung said that he has to converse in hushed tones during his visit since loud voices and laughters can send Seungcheol back into his anxiety and throw up a lot. And how heartbreaking it was when it happened. 

So Mingyu carefully planned his visit into some time in the morning of one Wednesday. He hoped that morning will bring Seungcheol a light heart after a well good rest. Also because his schedule is quite empty in the morning. He whipped out some pancakes, brought some comic books from Wonwoo's stashed (the best only!) and carefully stem some flower into a pretty bouquet before bouncing out of their dorm apartment and get into the company's van that was waiting to take him to the hospital. 

He didn't expect that Hwang Minhyun already inside the van. 

"Hyung!" He greeted the older with wide smile. "Long time no see. You going to visit Seungcheol hyung as well?"

Minhyun nodded "Yeah, I'm sorry I haven't visited him earlier. I just learned about his condition recently from Aron hyung but unfortunately I only got a free space in my schedule for today." He explained. "How is he now? How are you guys holding up?"

"He's still recovering. It's sad that he thought he had to put all the weight on his shoulder tho. But you know that is just how he is. We've been good so far. Jihoon hyung and Soonyoung doing their job well, even Wonwoo hyung is reaching out from his shell now. I believe we can pass this together." Mingyu nodded firmly. Like believing otherwise could never be the option. 

Both continued their conversation with small talks, Mingyu held his tongue from asking about Jonghyun's issue, because he had heard how Minhyun exploded during their directors' meeting and now Jonghyun was said to be put on an unconfirmed hiatus. There are things that should not be crossed and Mingyu likes to play himself safe. 

Entering the hospital, their manager cautioned them that by now they can only visit one by one. Seungcheol has been in good condition recently and has already expecting guests. In a polite gesture, Mingyu offered Minhyun to enter his room first that the elder accepted gratefully. 

Mingyu abide his time waiting by looking around the area. There's a small line near the nurse station, a couple of young residents studying bundles of patient records, a mother running to catch her toddler that wandered too close to an examine room, and two young male entered the wards talking quietly to each other in a quiet tone. One of them with green mask and grey hoodie got a physical examination by a nurse and got taken immediately to one of the private ward and the other filled out forms. One other figure walk around near them with handphone attached to his hand scanning the room. The way he hunched over the two almost looked like his manager, Mingyu chuckled at the thoughts. But when the one filling the form done handed in the papers needed and turned around facing him, Mingyu knew that his guess was correct. 

He scanned around the area and deemed it safe before crossing some lined up chairs, his manager frantically trailed behind but Mingyu too excited to care. In short time, he reached his target and tapped the boy's arm softly, "Hey, Jaehyun! Fancy seeing you here!"

Jaehyun, the boy with long sleeve shirt, was a little bit surprised seeing Mingyu but soon smiled widely, arms opened to a hug, dimples in full force and eyes reduced to a pair of sparkling crescents. "Heeyyy! What's up! It's been a while!"

Soon both fell into their usual banter of catching up, Jaehyun asked how their 97 line group chat members were doing and Mingyu scolded him for leaving them on read every so often. Jaehyun laughed and apologised and told him that he's been on tour overseas too much that he often forgot to switched off his mobile plan back, and when he did, he no longer can catch up with everyone’s chat. 

"So, what are you doing here? Medcheck?"

"Nope, I'm in line to visit Seungcheol-hyung." Mingyu pointed to the wards on their opposite sides. 

"Ah… I’ve heard about him. I'm sorry that he has to go through thing like this." Jaehyun offered his hand and Mingyu took it in his. "I hope you guys will find strength. I'm sure he'll be better in no time." 

Although they were once classmates, along with Seokmin, Mingyu always find himself in awe that Jaehyun is so down to earth, humble and sincere with his words. Maybe it was because the other boy back in their school days was quiet, always laidback, mostly kept to himself and rarely got into spotlight voluntarily despite his extremely good look and mysterious aura screaming for attention left and right. Mingyu himself had had a fair number of popularity during their time at SOPA High but he felt like he's nothing when standing side to side to Jaehyun. Even though the said friend now is his hoobae in the entertainment industry, Mingyu only has high praises on Jaehyun. 

"Thank you, I really appreciate that," said Mingyu gratefully. "and why are you here?"

Jaehyun looked like he finally remembered something urgent, "Ah! I'm here to accompany our hyung. He has a scheduled appointment and I should be with him by now." He explained and continued in a slightly unsure way, "If it's ok with you, can we catch up a little bit later?"

“Sure!” Mingyu nodded “Go ahead, I also going inside soon.”

After waving hands and rushed steps, both separated ways. Mingyu didn’t spent time waiting too long because soon after, Minhyun already walked out of Seungcheol’s room. 

“Gyu, I’ll wash my hands and wait for you in the parking lot.” said the older. 

“Yes, hyung. I won’t be long.” 

Bounced with happiness, he entered the room and found Seungcheol already sat in his bed smiled at him. They hugged and Mingyu offered him his pancakes, arranged the flowers on Seungcheol’s table and they talked about mundane things. Chan’s antics, Jeonghan’s lost hair dryer and Wonwoo’s latest comic books that Mingyu brought with him. Seungcheol laughed when he dropped them at his feet and it’s all sunshine and rainbow. Mingyu was so happy that Seungcheol started to look and act like himself again. At ease and confidence.

But time always rushing at moments like these. Pouting at his wristwatch, Mingyu bid his goodbye and promised Seungcheol that he’ll visit again soon. 

“Nah, I hope you don’t have to. I’m planning to get better as soon as possible. I miss you rascals a lot.” Seungcheol smiled widely. 

Mingyu mirrored him at the said promise but the younger shook his head, “No, hyung, take rest as long as you want. Your health is our priority.” 

Light steps and quiet hums, Mingyu directed himself to the nearest bathroom to wash his hands. Hospitals and their germs, Minhyun’s disapproving voice ran on Minghyu’s head and he almost chuckled at his own thoughts. He’s still in a good mood when he opened the door to the bathroom but soon his silly smile dropped. 

In the middle of the bathroom, Jaehyun and Minhyun were looming at each other. Minhyun was towering at Jaehyun for a couple good inches, he was hissing something but Jaehyun with all his bulky and wide body not even taking any step back. Mingyu ran at them and shove them both separated right after the first push happened. “Hyung! Jaehyun! No!” he stretched his hands between them for a good measures. Eyes looking around making sure the toilets were empty and the door was closed. “What is wrong with you two?” he demanded.

Jaehyun’s eyes were frightening, fire and cold at the same time. “Tell him to stay away from us. I’m not above hitting a senior.” 

Minhyun laughed at this. “Come at me then, I’m not bellow giving lessons to junior like your lots!” 

Jaehyun looked like ready to charge again but Mingyu hold him firm. “Alright, alright, Jae, back off.” Mingyu felt his hands cold caught in between them two. He didn’t know what’s triggered their fight but he knew that the longer they stay here, the sooner people will know and this may caused a new gossip party in media. He tried to insert as much firmness into his voice as he can and faced Minhyun “Hyung, we’re leaving.” 

The elder still gawking at Jaehyun before Mingyu decided to drag him out of the bathroom doors leaving Jaehyun behind.

Quick steps, a confused manager trailing behind, short breaths and a slam of the van’s door, Mingyu glanced around making sure no one around before asking the man beside him. “Ok, hyung. What was THAT?!”

~~~

Taeyong flinched a bit as Doyoung marched into the ward, Jaehyun in tow. 

“What did that bastard say to you?” 

A man that he is, that Doyoung, always straight to the point. 

Taeyong chose to study the needle on his vein and ignored the question. “Jaehyun-ah, you’re overreacted.”

“Yeah, hyung. I should’ve slow down and punch him anyway.” Came the indignant answered from the dimpled boy. 

“What.Did.He.Say.To.You.” Doyoung insisted with gritted teeth. “I swear hyung if he ever brought your past again i will ask our lawyer to sue him for defamation.”

“Now, you’re the one who overreacted.”

“Then explained to me, how come you fainted on the aisle after you met him when you were supposed to come back home healthy!” 

“Hyung, you’re too loud.” Jaehyun nudged him to a chair near Taeyong’s bed. Doyoung put his bag on Taeyong’s feet and Taeyong immediately reached for his hands. For some odd reasons, holding hands with Doyoung always brings Taeyong some peace of mind, no matter how nervous he is, those hands are like anchors to him. Keep him afloat, warm, safe and sound. 

“We were just..” Taeyong contemplated how much he should revealed to his best friends. He knew what they capable of and he just wanted to minimize the damage. “..having a little disagreement.” 

Doyoung looked at him in disbelief. “And we supposed to believe you just like that?”

Taeyong sighed “Doyoung, Jaehyun, Really, this is between me and him. I appreciate your concern but really, i’m fine.” 

“Fine?” Doyoung raised Taeyong’s hand that connected to an IV-drip. “This is fine?”

“Hey, I always have hypotension. I just didn’t know that it will drop that low.” 

~~~

“You called him homophobic?” 

Minhyun looked out of the heavily tinted window. Their van still crisscrossed busy Seoul’s streets. “Yeah, because he is.”

Mingyu was never this confused before.

“But.. hyung, why?”

Minhyun chose not to answered the question.

They both sat so close, hunched together, folding their long legs.

“Remember Seho? Yoon Seho?” Head still glue to the window, mind goes back further to their school days. 

“Yeah, the one that came out.” Mingyu was really, really confused. He’s afraid he’s not following Minhyun trail of thoughts. The elder always have peculiar way of thinking. 

“When he came out, i remember he was then heavily bullied. The boys were catcalling him, insult and they even hit him until his left leg broken.” Minhyun hated to revisit those memories again. “Taeyong was involved. To the very end. Making sure the boys hit Seho with full force and leave some good damage, i supposed.” 

Mingyu still confused. “But hyung, Taeyong hyung was never ever involved in that kind of game. He's not even a member of the gang." 

"But I knew he's there. He's on the list of students that got punishment. If he's not with them, he should've stopped them." The elder insisted.

"Hyung...," Mingyu hesitated "Seho was Jaehyun and I's classmate. We knew his story. The rumoured circulated outside are not the whole truth."

"What are you saying?" 

"While it's true, that Taeyong hyung was present the incident, his intention was to make sure that the bullying doesn't get too far. The day Seho got his leg broken was the only time Taeyong hyung was late coming to the ground to dispense them. You probably don't remember this because you and Seungcheol hyung were on and off at school at that time busy with your training." 

Mingyu could feel something shifted at Minhyun's eyes. "Taeyong hyung held his senior position above the bullies but he didn't want to shifted their attention to him. He tried to save Seho and himself." 

The elder eyes were now drilling at Mingyu. "Kim Mingyu, what are you saying?"

"Hyung, Taeyong hyung can't possibly be a homophobic when he himself was one of them, can he?"


	9. The smile that you gave me even when you felt like dying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, 
> 
> I'm so sorry for taking so long in updating. Was busy with stuffs and the whole work from home ordeals. 
> 
> I hope you can still enjoy this fic. 
> 
> We're only one chapter away to go!

The Cafe was relatively spacious, located in a less crowded area of the shoreline of Gangneung. It's facade cladded with timber, quaint and pretty. Sit directly across the road that bordering the beach. A glass of iced coffee in one of its table on the porch will be heavenly, Jonghyun thought as he parked on its side. It was nearing night as the sun approaching the skyline started showing its bright hues. Jonghyun entered the cafe and greeted by more timber covering almost every surface of the cafe. Clean cut furnitures and warm ambience as he directed to the second floor to his table on the more secluded nook that was booked by Taeyong. The boy himself already settled in and playing with his phone only to immediately stand up in greeting and hug Jonghyun tightly. 

“I’m sorry that it's only now I can come visit you.” he said softly.

Jonghyun smiled and inhale some faint lavender fragrance, for a reason unknown to him, its calming. “You’ve come all the way from Seoul to here when you don’t have to. I am grateful.” 

Jonghyun shrugged his jacket and put it on the chair beside him before seated in. Taeyong looked pale, he noticed. Taeyong has always been slim, all sharp pointed shape but this Taeyong still a little too thin for his liking, and there are several bruises alongside his inner hand. It hurts Jonghyun. “You’re sick.” he noted calmly. “Why are you pushing yourself coming here?” 

Taeyong laughed weakly, playing with his bracelet before looking out of the porch onto the widespread turquoise water across the street. Avoiding Jonghyun’s inquisitive eyes. “I’m not that sick tho. I managed just alright.” he mumbled in between his breath. “I never knew the beach here is so pretty. You never told me. I’d be down coming here to relax.” 

“Is that why you are here? To relax?” Jonghyun pursued not losing a beat.

This time, Taeyong looked at him, finally. There’s a subdued sadness on his sunken eyes. eyes that used to be shining brightly, fiercely through camera lenses. “I came because of you, you fool.” The tone hold no bite, though. “I was planning to meet you before anyway but looks like my body gave up just in the wrong time. Such an awful timing. To be holed up in the hospitals for days not knowing anything happening to the world outside.” His laughed sounded hollow to Jonghyun’s ears. “Should’ve been there for you though. If only i could so you don’t have to runaway from everything so suffocating this far.” 

“You didn’t tell me you were sick.” A bitter one.

Taeyong raised an eyebrow “Is that really a matter? Compared to your issue?” 

“Mine is nothing.” 

“Jonghyun, I’m not here to argue with you.” Taeyong sighed running his hand through his blonde hair. “How are you coping with this? How is your company handling this? I try catching up with the news and hearsays from the kids, but Jonghyun-ah, I’m still worry.” 

Jonghyun paused, he stared down his newly arrived cup of iced latte, contemplating how to organised his answer. The dirt is out, that much is true. It’s his scar but somehow Taeyong’s hurt for him also palpable that he thoughts there’s no need to hide anymore. Not when he already cut this open for him. 

So, Jonghyun poured. All of things that have been bottled inside him for so long. How the competition wasn’t really how they intended to be. That the plan was never for him to be selected. How topping the vote was an incident that never meant to be happened and it sent everyone in the company to panic. How he was so so happy for a brief moment because he imagined himself thriving the new path together with Minhyun but soon forced to voluntarily dragged himself down to make way for that other candidate. 

Because the deal was for one. Not two. Only one from Nu’est to be selected, and that one was predetermined as Minhyun. Because it was supposed to be for Minhyun and Minhyun only. The only part of the clause that he signed and agreed wholeheartedly. 

He once promised the world to Minhyun, and when the time came that the said world is in his possession, ready to be offered to Minhyun’s golden hand, who was he to deny it? The huge amount of money given as compensation was never be in his calculation. He didn't even know what to do with it since he felt guilty of not letting the others in the know, it just sitting around in his bank account, untouched. But the guilt just dig itself deeper that at times he just can’t barely breathe ever since the news was out. Not being able to look at Minhyun’s eyes anymore. Not when that money is inevitably a solid evidence of his dirty ordeal.

And Taeyong just listened. Listened to the wavering voice of Jonghyun, held his hands tight when he seemed not able to continue, warm hands covered his cold ones. Their hush voices faded and fell into comfortable silence for quite a while. The sun must have been settled for the sky started to get dark and the street lights came to life. 

Jonghyun felt like the last week’s pain ease a little after taking it out of his chest. Being apart from his second family, the one with whom Jonghyun spent half of his life and experienced all the ups and downs together, has taken a toll in his mental being. At home, he didn’t want to share these burden. His parents deserve better. They wanted him to be happy, and being happy was all he wanted to show his elders.

Talking to Taeyong, someone from outside his inner circle, not close enough to be embarrassed about, and not too far to feel like he’s been judged or pitied on, their friendship basically gave him different kinds of comfort. Taeyong, the one who’s been through so much, good head on his shoulder, has shared his own burden first on their early meetings, who trusted Jonghyun that much, and Jonghyun in reciprocate, was all the more willing to share his trust with him. 

“You really do treasure Minhyun a lot.” Taeyong’s soft voice broke the silence. Eyes reflected the brightness of street lights. Some people laughed on the first floor. Life goes on, eventually. 

Jonghyun sighed. “Isn’t that a given? We only have each other for so long.”

Taeyong looked like he gave this a long thought. “You must have missed him so much when you were apart. Seeing of how much you’ve been hurting right now.” 

“You’ll be the same if you ever in my place.”

“Actually, I tried,” Taeyong gave in. “imagining of how it was like being you and Minhyun. You know, me and Doyoung, we have been known each other for quite a long time. Not as long as you two, but he’s been the closest to me and he was, is and will always be my pilar in this absurd life of mine. He stood by me through thicks and thins. Yet, I couldn’t ever see us in a romantic way. Not in the way you and Minhyun be. Not like Jaehyun will allowed me to woo his favorite hyung away from him anyway.” He dropped to his hand and laughed to himself miserably.

Jonghyun’s heart skipped a beat.

“...Tae..,”

Taeyong lifted his head, eyes red yet as clear as glass. “I know, Jonghyun. I do.” Voice just barely above whispers. “I saw the picture, the one that was taken with you and your red mark showing on your neck. I immediately know not to cross the boundary. I know, you’re off limit.”

At a corner table of the porch on the second floor, two of them seemed to be estranged for their surrounding. Voices from downstairs, strong waves raced to the shores, cars passed by, all faded away. There’s only two of them within their own small fragile cage of misery. 

“I told Minhyun that I received his message. Promised to give you space as much as you needed to. But Minhyun was….” Taeyong inhaled, “a little too passionate.”

Eyes wide, Jonghyun sat straight on his seat, unsettling feeling pooled at his stomach. “You’ve met him?’

Taeyong nodded. “We had, that other day at the hospital. He was visiting Seungcheol, and I was scheduled for my second appointment of therapy.” He puffed a breath before continuing. “You see, there were times when I wish that I was a better person. I’ve long given up that thoughts and came to received my past as an inseparable part of me. But that one time, the whole time, when I was standing before him, I was desperately wishing that I could turn back time and did things better just so I could have pride facing him.”

“Taeyong-ah…”

“I wish I could be the one to offer that world to you, Jonghyun, but you see, I’m neck deep in my own mess.” Taeyong smiled sadly. “Don’t misunderstand his anger as merely jealousy, Jonghyun-ah. He loves you. Above everything else and beyond. I know this much. He wants to protect you, and he will. He’s capable that much. I just want you to be happy.” 

Jonghyun reached out to sip his watered down iced latte, throat dry and words just felt not sufficed. “I’m sorry, Taeyong,” he finally said, voice wavering at the edges. “I’m sincerely sorry that I didn’t recognise your feeling. I should’ve been more attentive to how you feel.”

“What’s there to be sorry for, Jonghyun,” Taeyong’s whisper can barely heard, “this was really all on me. I should be careful in guiding my own feeling but falling for you was oh so easy. You’re wonderful inside and out and I wish I was a better person for you.” 

"Don't say that." Jonghyun chided him softly, "I value you more than you probably know. I wish we can stay friends for as long as we can."

"Friends?" Taeyong tasted the word in his tongue, it's bitter, the smile that came out after still looked sincere. "Yeah, let's stay friends." 

The smiles of acknowledgement that they shared together just clicked. Two pieces of a puzzle. That night, finally at home with each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Nu'est's And I lyrics.
> 
> talk to me about 2hyun or JT at cc https://curiouscat.me/OneLostBugimon


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